It Takes Me Two minutes To decide that I'm gonna Take the Mamacita into my arms, when the Ball Drops. Half Asian, Half Mexican, my Taste in Women Mirrors my Luv for Cusine. The chords to Prince's "1999" just Flitered Through the Smoke Filled Air of VIP when My IPhone began to Flash. Who Would Call me Right As I'm about to Say, 'Sayonara' to the Worst year of My Life? The countdown begins...10...9...8...7...6...5...I then grab my Chosen Draft Pick by Her Yoga Toned Arms...4...3...2...1...Dipped Her And...Next Thing I know It, I hear A "Flop!!!" and a 'You Freakin' Creep What Are You Doin'?!!'. Oops! I guess all those nights watching Dancing With Tha Stars didn't pay off. It's Kind of Symbolic of How My entire Year has Gone. Yep...Me looking at This Beautiful Gurl and Her See Through Cavalli Dress laying on The Sticky Champagne Soaked Ground like a Statue by Romero Britto ...Un-Huh! This is How my Year is Supposed 2 end.
I figured I had enough for Tha night, so decided to leave through the back door. I get a few pats on the back and I hear a couple of "Who's That?!" By some Dames Who Highly resemble Ashley Graham and Adriana Lima. Walk through the kitchen Where the chef is Making out with a Mystery Blonde on the Grey Metal Table. Seeing a Culinary Genius Making Love is Sorta Weird. The Grabbing and Flinging of Heads of Lettuce, all the While Hearing the Words, 'I Want To Eat Your Tomatoes!' Throw in a Deep Czech voice and you See Why some Movies are only shown at 2:30 am on Skinamax! I bust Through the Door onto The Back Alley adjacent to Sunset Boulevard and From there I just sat down, not caring that my DSquared2 jeans might get a tad Dirty from the Curb. I just sat and wondered how My life got to This. How?
My mind rewinds Through The Living Garbage Dump that I've recently had to go through. An ugly breakup With My Ex. We met at This Side Tiki Hut of a Joint over in Ibiza. Her Tan Skin complementing A Smile That could Light up The LA Coliseum. I thought That I had literally Died and Gone 2 Heaven. I had No idea What to say. I mean, I've always Crossed Home Plate with Tha Ladies but She Was Something New, Something Exotic, just How She Pouted her Lips as She Spoke indicated She Has Been Wooed By the Finest of Masculine Candidates. I Took a Final Sip Of Coconut Rum, and walked over to her And Simply said, "You are The Most Beautiful Woman I have Ever Seen." And I walked away. Not looking back at all. Later that night, in an Act of Fate, I somehow bumped into her at Amnesia. She was With Some Friends Twerking and Having a Goofy time On the Dance Floor. Somehow we caught Eyes and That was That. We ended up back at my place, Knocking over Chairs, and Flipping Over Couches, All in The Name of Lust. European Girls are the Best When it comes to Passion. They know How to Let Go in The Heat of Tha Moment.
I woke up the next day, staring At Her laying in bed Semi-Naked Except with Her Red Briefs. The Wind was Blowing the Open Curtain through Our Window and From There I knew I met Tha Gal of My Dreams. Yep! Funny How Life Can Be So Perfect and Then All of a Sudden be So...Whatever. She was Getting Her Master's to be a Doctor. Does Anyone know How hard it is to Find a Girl Who's Smart and Drop Dead Gorgeous?! They know me in Vegas quite well and Let me Tell ya Tha Odds are Growing Larger by Tha Hour. Huh. My Baby. My "Ex" Baby.
Then you Had The Media and All these People Wanting me. Everybody wants to be a Star, especially here in The City of Angels, but let me Tell ya When You can't even go to Kitson to by a Tee Shirt without a Camera Flickering it's Trouble. I guess My Job has a Little Bit to do With That. 2015 just Overall Sucked!
To make up for my Breakup, I tried to hit the Dating Scene. Wannabe Models, Actresses, Video Vixens, Former Porn Stars, Yeah, I've Had My Share. But waking up in the Morning picking up armed Cups And Stepping Over Spilled Chex Mix While La Perla Bras are Drooping from Your Light Stand can get Old after Awhile. But That's My Life. As I Sitting on Tha Backstreet of Dreams Gone Wrong, I get a Text. I pulled Out my Grape Flavored Vapor and See Who it is. And it's from an Unfamiliar number but I notice That The Country Code is from London. My mind quickly Backtracks to All The Dames and WAGs That I smashed along The River Thames after Each Manchester United Victory. Oh, Tha Beckham Years were Great On and Off Tha Pitch! There were Too Many to Name so I Open The Text and It Reads Tha Following:
'2016. Ultimate Assignment. Galaxia. MIA.'
All This was Followed by Emojis of a Notebook. Camera. And A Face Wearing a Sherlock Holmes Cap with a Magnifying Glass Up to His Eye. I never knew How that Stayed up there With No Hands Holding it...But...I have No Idea What This All Meant. Tha Crackle of Thunder began to Sound. And Sprinkles Turned into a Full Blown Pour. Who says it never Rains in Southern California?! 2016 was Beginning to resemble An Old Black and White Hollywood Flim Where All you Hear is The Ponding of Heavy Drops coinciding With Tha Suspense Music of Henry Mancini. The Rain Pounded on my Face All but Ruining My Parted Hair and Gucci Loafers. I heard a Cat Scream and Then Hop out of a Empty Garbage Can. I kept Walking, not Caring that My Alfa Romero was Still over in Valet. My Only Focus was What is My Next Move and What Was This Suspicious Text All About.
As The Rain covered My Face as A Castaway Swimming to Shore, I came to a Complete Stop, and it all hit me. The Text. The Number. The Assignment. And suddenly, I felt Like I was Chosen for This...This Moment...This Opportunity. And It Will Be Unlike Anything You have Witnessed Before.
Good Morning to Many, And A Good Evening To Some. The Name is Cosmopolitan. Halesburg De Cosmopolitan. But To You My Friend...Yes, You May Call Me...
Lil Cosmo.
Till Next Time.
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