Episode #6: Suite Luv.

(Click, Click!)

Finally after all this Madness I'm actually inside of our Suite. Hey, this ain't too shabby of a joint. Pool Table, Mini Arcade...Hot Tub for all those Runnin' Rebel Co-Ed's. Yeah, this is Gonna be a Wild Night. But first let me set my bags down and go over to this little bar. Now in Vegas, we gotta go Hard like My Dude DJ Khaled Would Say in Tha Magic City. This is a Town of High Rollers, where Everything is Bigger than life. So none of Those Spineless Drinks around here. And Definitely not Around Me. One time I was kicking it With Some NFL Dudes out On Tha Strip. I was Dressed to Tha 9's, while They were in Some Lumberjack type outfits. Flannels, Dirty Jeans, Sandals with No Socks. Yep, You heard it...No Socks. It was Pitiful. But...They just Won Tha Super Bowl that Year, So Their P-Stock from Tha Ladies was At an All-Time High. We Slip into this Bar off of Las Vegas Blvd., right next to the Harrah's Casino over there. I'm all jacked up, Tha Boys were Hot, Tha Ladies were Hotter and I Truly felt like I was out with Dean and Tha Boys from Back in Tha Rat Pack Days.

We walk in and Tha First thing I hear is..."Cosmo! Cosmo!" I look up and it's this Little Pretty Thing Behind Tha Bar. She says, "You don't Remember Me, Do Ya?" I gave a Very quizzical but Very Sure Glance, just like Those Policy or Political What Have You's during those Election Debates. Reagan was Tha Master of that. Anyways, she Blurted out..."Trisha!!!...MTV Awards...Green Room." I said, 'Ah, Yes...Yes.' I remember that cuz This Little Fellow Chris Brown performed That night. He was Jumping Table to Table, Singing and Dancing. If Sammy D. woulda Been still around, he Might've Dropped His Drink and Chocked on His Cigarette seeing All This Carrying On. I wonder what Ever came of That Kid. But that night, Me, Trisha and Tha "Moon Man", Don't Ask, But we had a Little Fun of Our Own.  Let's just say that She Yanked Tha Lever on My Slot Machine, and more Than A Few Ducktales Coins "Came" that Night! 

So Tha Footballers were Going Ape, U know What Over This Dame. All wanting To Pin Her on Tha 50 Yard Line That Night. But I Had to throw in Tha Yellow Flag first, before They could get more Than they Could Handle. I decided to have a Drinking Game. Tha Man That Wins gets Tiffany or Tasha or Whatever Her Name was For Tha Night. They wanted to Do This Around Tha World Thing With Beer. I said, This is Vegas, not Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Ok??! Of Course, I went to Gin and Tonic first...Then Vodka...Then Tha Rum...Then The Old Grandad Mixed With Monster Energy. If they Made it, we Drunk it! Of Course, I won. With Me Taking Home a Shot of Little Trish Status. And Yes, I Did Lick Tha Glass! But tonight...Hmmm, I Hope This is an open bar, cuz I'm not about to pay $25 for a Miniature Flask of Jack Daniels. Heck, for that I'll Rather just Grab a Straw and Sip Tha BBQ Sauce. Let me Get Some Jack...Coke...Coke...Where's Tha Coke? Not That Coke!...Guess Everything is Included Huh??!! Not There. Not There. A Pepsi...Ahh, I usually Don't Have a Good Luck with Pepsi. Tha Other Day I Drunk a Pepsi, and Lost Some Big Smackaroni's on Tha Miss Universe Contest. Just what until I see That Steve Hightower. 

(Gulp...Gulp...Gulp...Gulp!) 

Ahhh...Let me take a Seat. What is This Zebra?? I guess I can handle That, I mean we're All Tha Same Color When Tha Lights go out! Speaking of Which...I just got another Email on This Austino Galaxia Dude. Gets Tha Love Thug Bandit is at it again. Look at this...Why is He writing So Much? Look, Now He's Talking Bout A Gurl who told him "No". Boo-Hoo! See, if He was With Me...No girl has ever Turned Me Down. Maybe Out...but not Down. How Do people Read this Stuff? Misspelled Words Everywhere...Him Taking about becoming Tha 8th Day of Tha Week. U gotta Be Kidding Me?!! I gotta Take a Dump, let Me Read This on Tha Only Place it Should Be Read...On Tha Toliet. I really Like That Hot Tub, I'm Gonna Have to call My Gurl at Tha Love Ranch to bring Tha Diamonds Through 2night. 

Now Where's Tha Bathroom. What's this Room?

(Click.)

Nope that's Tha Bedroom. It's Big. Mirror on Tha Ceiling. Huh.

(Click.)

But These Fake Cassanovas. Listen, a Broad wants a Man to be a Man. Let me Tell Ya...First off, Old Spice and Brut. All This Comme De Garcons, and...I was in Tha Holding Area Of LAX a Few Months ago. To make a Long Story Short, I Met This Mamacita from Stunningly Beautiful for Somebody wearing a Raiders Ski Cap, an Oversize Black Hoodie and Some Baggy Jeans. One Moment we were Arguing Over How Becky G. is Gonna be bigger Than Beyoncé in Three Years.  To Tha Next The a Fuzz Had Me Hemmed Up Trying to Plant Every Crime on Me Since Hoffa! But Tha Radio was on, and I hear This Kid..."VersaceVersaceVersace!!"... That's All I Heard..."VersaceVersaceVersace!!" I know Donatella, and She's a Doll...What's in Here?

(Click.)

Mad Cool. This is Like a Fitness Room. Oh Snap, They Even got Tha Milk Muscle. 

(Click.)

I'll be back in there In Tha Morning. But Yeah...Old Spice and Brut. Then Two...Guys Have No Idea How to Play Tha Text Game. I've never Responded Until A Week Has Passed. Then I'll keep it Short. Like. "Yeah." Then I'll send a Photo of a Squirrel Getting Hit by a School Bus. Listen...Where's This Freakin' Bathroom. Listen, These Hershey Kisses Think with Both Sides of Their Brain. U gotta Get in Their Head. Once I Was Humping This Picasso from Bolivia.  She Pulled out All Tha Tricks. Two Rext Responses. Hang out One Night, Then She Wouldn't Call for Three Days. There's Tha Bathroom...Show Up To My Crib and Once a Even to My Job Wearing Nuthing but a Tan Overcoat with An Harmonica in Her Hand. She used Her Beauty in Every way. So u know What I Did?

(Click.)

This is Nice. But I Began to Treat Her like a Bag of Rice. It was Bad. But...She Like...No Loved It. All Gurls Want Bad Boys, that's Why With This Galaxia Dummy. Let me Put Tha Toliet Seat Down. 

(Clap!) 

There's Nothing like A Cold Hotel Toliet Seat! Tha Seat is Kinda Long. I Would Expect that at A Super 8, But Tha Venetian?? I'm missing shampoo Too. Gotta Call Tha Front Desk Downstairs and it better be Jo Malone and Not Some Johnson & Johnson Crap that burns Your Eyelids Off. But This Galaxia, Soft Like a Cream Puff. Always Returning Texts...Giving All These Quotes, Who does He Think He is, A Poor Man's Ghandi?!  But...

(Phew!!...Plop!)

Those Burritos on Tha Plane. But All these Poems...What's Tha Use of Being Friends With these Chicks if U Can't Sniff Their Panties. Stop...Being Mi...sterrr...Ni...ce...Ahhhh....

(Phew!!...Plop!)

Ahhhh....Better. Stop Being Mr. Nice Guy, and Go in For Tha Kill With These Kit Kats. And By All means if I See Another SnapBack Cap...A Woman Can Judge a Guy within 6 Seconds of Seeing Him. It's True. U Only Got Six Seconds for a Doll to decide If She wants U to be Her Partner in Naked Twiser or Not.

(Ba-Dup....Ba-Dup...Ba-Dup...Ba-Dup...Rip!)

That's like Westbrook on a Fast Break...Or a Ronda Rousey Match...Or an Old Match...Look Like a Man. Look Desirable.

(Ba-Dup...Ba-Dup...Ba-Dup...Ba-Dup...Rip!...Flush!!)

Look at Me. Guys and Gurls Hit on Me. I'm Tha Madonna of Men. These Kids are Such Amateurs. Oh Well, More For Me. I need to Hit Tha Strip tonight. Gonna Take My Pre-game Nap. And Then it's On like Donkey Kong! Need to wash my Hands...

(Scooooooo...Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!)

That Soap smells Good. But I'm Gonna Hit Tha Sack. Then it's Party Central tonight. Gonna Call in Some Talent and Enjoy life, before Work associated With That Kid  Begins. Make Some Calls and...

(Knock! Knock! Knock!)

Who is That? Nobody Should Know I'm even here. 

(Bang! Bang! Bang!)

I'm coming...I'm Coming....

(Door Opens)

Can I Help You?

"Are U Jack Tripper?"

For You I'll Be Anybody U want Me To Be. Matter of Fact, Tripper is My Alias Name. But Tha Name is Cosmopolitan. But...My Friends Call Me...Lil Cosmo. 

And Your Name Is?