(Help Me To Decide...Help Me Make.Tha. Most. Of Free-Dom...And Of Plea-Sure...Nothing E-ver Last 4-Ever...E..Very..Bo-dy...Wants To Rule Tha World.)
Oh, boy...The alarm already. Where's My Phone?
(There's a Room Where The Light Won't Find You...Beep!)
I Get it, I Get it, Everybody wants to Rule Tha World. Sometimes I Hate that Alarm Tone, Everybody thinks I Should Get over Tha 80s Thing, but Hey, Those were Tha Best Man. Springsteen...Lionel Richie. I still Remember When Cyndi Lauper came Out here 2 La La Land. U Wanna Talk about 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'. Let's just say That when I woke up the Next Morning, I was on the Front Lawn of this Malibu Mansion in between a Hot Red Head and Pony. And I Sware to you, that it Wasn't Tha Red Head that Had a Smile and a Cigarette in Its Mouth! After That Experience, I promised myself to only Date Stallions! Boy, I need My own TV Show...Get it...Pony...Stallions...Ah Boy.
Let Me Take a Wiz...(Koooooooooor......Kooooooooooor....Drip...DripDripDripDrip...Flush!) U know I Got into a Heated Argument with This Gal in Australia over Which way Tha Toliets Flush Down Under.
I Said They were Backward, She Claimed They Were Normal, we Literally Missed Tha Concert at Tha Opera House over This. In Tha midst of All this She must have Flushed Tha Toliet 40 times in 3 minutes Span just to Prove Her Point. Her Roommate, Who was Sorta "Bi" (Fingers in Quotes)...'Ish' Chimed in and It just got Worse From there. In Tha Midst of it all, I blurted out, 'I'll never Sleep With a Gurl again Who Has Posters of Koala Bears on Her Wall!' Next thing I know It, my MCM Bag and My McQueen Sneaks were being Flung out Tha Door! Unless Kylie Minogue's becomes Single again, I'm done With Australian Chicks!
Oops, I forgot 2 Wash my Hands. Let me Try This New Hand Soap that My Girl Jessica Alba Sent Me. Well, she's not my girl...Yet. But...Whatever...(Squirt! Squirt!) Huh. It's smells good. Trying to Go Green, it's all about Peace and Tranquility. Somehow I feel Tha need to go into A Yoga Style 'Tree Pose' as I said That. Alright...A Little Water (Pour...Squeak! Squeak!)...A Glance in Tha Mirror. Oh, How I look Good. And let me See What Time it is...5:15 pm. Perfect. I don't Sleep In Late, others just Wake Up Early. Grab Tha LA Times. U know They say u can Learn a Lot about a person By What Section of Tha Paper You Go to First. Ever since I turned 21, I've Started my Daily Read in The Escort Area Of Tha Classifieds. Yep! Then From There I go To Tha Coupons in the Middle. One Week I was out of Fruit Loops and I knew Tha Sunday Times Had a Coupon for it Cuz...Well I just Knew. Tha Paperboy pulled a 3 Card Monte on me and Forgot to Put Tha Coupons in My Black and Whites. I was Livid. That Christmas I gave him a Blank Christmas Card with a Dead Horse Head laying in Bed on the Front. Little Boy Blue came back to me 2 days later saying I forgot 2 Write 'Merry Christmas' inside and I told Him...'Now U Get Tha Picture!' And Slammed Tha Door in His Grill. South Bronx Style! Don't Ever Mess With Tha Cos!...But then I Browse, I Sound So Golden Girls when I say That...I Browse Through The Money Section then Tha Sports Pages to get Tha Odds on Tha Horses. I'm not a Gambling Addict, I just Like to...Well, Let's not Talk about it just yet.
So let's see what's Poppin'...Looking for a Good Time Call...Yada, Yada, Yada....The Night of Your Life...Whatever, Whatever...Whah?!!! Evelyn is now Charging $1000 a Hour?!! Geez. She's good but...Sorry, but ain't No Broad or 'Meow' worth That kind of Change. She's a Charging That much For Whack Conversation, When I know This Chick That Works Tha Block over at Hollywood and Vine That Will do Anything U Want for 2 Big Mac's and a Ten Piece Nugget! I'm serious. And Shorty is a Ten!! Talking about Inflation on Tha Market. I got no time for This. I need some Music...
(Cuz I'm Happy...Clap Along...If U Feel Like A Room...Without A Roof! Cuz I'm...)
How about u Clap Along Pharrell, I luv Ya, but I'm not in Tha Mood Today. What About...
(Hello...It's Me...I Was Wondering If after All These Years You'd...)
Ah...No!...That Chick Reminds me Of My Ex...Hold Up I haven't Heard This in A While. Check out Tha Piano Keys Right Here...How It Goes...'Ding! Ding!...Da!Da!Da!Da!...Da!...Ding! Ding! Da!Da!Da!Da!'
(I'm Different...Yeah, I'm Different...I'm Different...Yeah, I'm Different...I'm Different...Yeah, I'm Different...Pull Up 2 Tha Scene With My Ceiling Missing!)
Yeah, "2 Chainz!!!" My guy. So this Has been One Heck of a Weekend. New Year's Was Okay except When I Dropped That Dame inside Tha Club. It was Messed up but kinda Funny How She was Laying there. For a Second it looked like A scene From Tha CSI How She Was Stretched Out There. Then Me Getting Caught in Tha Storm in Tha Alley. Then Tha Weird Text about 'Galaxia. MIA.' Follow That With Miss Columbia blowing My Phone up All Day yesterday Still Talking About That...Announcement Thingy...Between Trying to Calm Her Down and This New "Dream" Assignment, I haven't Even had a Chance to Stop by In-N-Out to Puck me Up a Double-Double with Extra Pickles. It's been Crazy!
So I returned Tha Text I got From That Weird Number from Tha UK and Evidently They Want 2 Set up a Meeting in Vegas to Go over Tha Details in Person. Which is Fine, I know Sin City like Tha Back of A Poker Hand. Money, Showgirls, All-You-Can Eat Buffets for $5, I'm There. Plus, my Hand is Itching So I might Have to Hit Tha High Rollers Room up in Ceasars. But I felt Tha Need to Do a Little Research on What I might Be Getting myself Into.
Late Last Night after I hung up Tha Phone after Tha 50th and Final, 'Why Me?!!', I dug into This 'Galaxia' Thing via Tha Internet. Oh, I remember Back in Tha Day Where We Had To Depend on Pigeons and Singing Bell Hops to Get Tha Job Done. Now I just Google. So I typed in 'Galaxia' and As Expected All these Constellations and Stars Popped Up. Although, 'I would Luv For You 2 Taste My Milky Way!' Would Be a Great...No...Awesome! Pick-Up Line, I knew this Wasn't What I was Looking for. So next, I typed in 'agalaxia' and All this Weird Stuff Popped up. Tha Weirdest Being a Picture of a Pig with Like Six Piglets Running Under Him. I don't know if it was because it Was like One in Tha Morning but I felt a Subtle Movement in My Pants. After Hitting 'Click and Save' and Stashing it in My Folder Called 'Viagra', I Sat in Front of My MacAir Wondering What All this Meant. After Taking Three More Bites into my 2 day Leftovers from Prime Pizza, it Hit me What All This Meant.
I recall One Night Hanging out at Hyde with This Bombshell of a Beauty that Was Visiting from Tha South America. She was a Stunner Man. Sexy Hair, A Flawless Face, A Natural Tan On Top of Legs That Could Go On For Days. I Hit Tha Jackpot that Night, and I was Determined to Cash in On This Dime. We Would Talk a Tad, but Her Responses Were Short. Not Good. Then When Our Order Came She Barely Dug Into Her Lobster Rolls. I've had my Share of 'Below Tha Equator' Gals. I'm talking about Where They Are From, Although It Could Reference Some of Their Best Assets As Well! But Even Though They Possess Deadly Figures These Senoras Like 2 Eat. So That Threw Me Off. So as Every 21st Century Date Goes, Once She Figured This was Or I was Boring to Her, Tha IPhone Came
Out. Me, Being Ignored...Not Cool, My Friend. But I noticed She Began to Laugh, and Laugh...So I began To Giggle, 'Ha-Ha! Ha! Ha!' Crossing My Toes That Laughter is Truly Tha Best Map to Tha Crescent Suite at Tha "Pink Palace".
I asked her, 'What She Was Laughing About?' And she tells me she's reading This Diary Slash Blog-A-Ma-Jig From Austino Galaxia. I was like, "Who???" She said in Her Sexy Accent, "You Don't Know?!!" She Passed me Her Phone While She Had to Powder Up. After Seeing Every Guy Pull out Their Phone, And Take A Picture of Her As She Passed By, I glanced At This Diary Thing and Was Appalled. I mean...A Grown Man, Who Thinks He's a Kid. Talking About Luv and How Guys Should Be Nice to Women and Treat Them Like Queens. Yuk!!! I bet Tha Last Time This a Guy got Laid Screech was Still Trying to Get Them Digits from Lisa on Saved By Tha Bell. I wanted to Barf.
So My Date Comes Back and Says, 'U Like?!!' Smiling anticipating An Agrrement of Sorts. I simply Told her, "This Guy is a Baffoon. A Fake. A Phony. Love like This Doesn't Exist I Have No Idea Why U Little Princesses Soak up This Crap." She mumbled Something That Sounded Like 'Kiss My Fanny' in Spanish and Left. I Messaged Her on Facebook That night Wanting My $45 for Tha Meal. Tha next day her Profile was Deactivated. But That Night Didn't Hit me until Last Night. So Ordered another Cheese and Asparagus Medium New York Style, With a Liter of Pepsi and Went To Work On This Galaxia Fellow and What I Found Out Huh...Like Did You Know His First Kiss Occurred With a...
(Balimos!...Let Tha Rhythm Take You Over...Balimos! Te Quiero Amor Mio...)
Wait, let Me Get This Call. This This Dame.
Hello. Yeah... Well I can Be Big Cosmo if U Want me 2 Be! What Time? I Gotta Jump into Tha Shower First. Yeah, This Is My Last Night before I Fly Out....Where?...Um. Palm Springs. No, no...It's a Business Trip Babe...I know, I know...Not This Time Though, ok. Hey, Let Me Get Ready. Just Honk When U Get Here. Huh??!! Ok. Tha Pink Range Sitting on Black Wheels. Ok. See U in A Bit.
I Gotta Go. Got a Young One Tonight. Guess Next Time We'll Speak I'll be In Vegas. Setting Tha Plan on This Galaxia Guy. Love may be a Gamble, But I always Shoot 7/11.
Oh and By Tha Way, Tha Name is Cosmopolitan. But you Can Call Me...
Lil Cosmo!
I Gotta put in Some Beyoncé for Tonight, It's Gonna Be Wild! Come On Girl!
(Shoulders Sideways...Smack it, Smack It, In Tha Air...Legs Movin' Side 2 Side...Smack it In Tha Air...Smack it Tha Air...Smack It, Smack It...In Tha Air!...Wave Your Hands...)
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