So here we are...Vegas Baby! Tha glitz...Tha Glamour...Tha Ladies. I have no idea where 2 begin...Tha Casinos...Tha Hotel...Or Tha Buffets?!! This is like Tha Sister City to Tha City of Angels. I used to jet out here Very Frequently back in Tha Day. There was this Showgirl Broad, that I once knew. Tammy...Yeah, that was Her name. She was from North Dakota, but it was Her South Dakota that caught my attention, if U know What I mean. She was Raised on a Plantation or...What they call Those Things?...Reservation (Snap of Tha Fingers!). So She was raised out there With Her Tribe. She was a Beauty. So I came out here 2 Vegas, this Had to Be around '87, right after Magic and Kareem beat Them Celtics in Tha Finals. But Me and My Crew Was Still in Celebration Mode. We Hit Tha Strip, then all of a Sudden, Right Outside of Tha Sahara I see This Group of Beautiful Ladies. No Big Deal, I mean I ran, and Still Run LA, So These Chicks Come A Dime a Dozen, U Know. As They were Approaching I Noticed This Doll with These Glasses on. Those 1980s Specs that Indicated That You Were 'Somebody'. Man...Is it me, or is it Getting warm out here. Need to take off this Track Jacket. I don't Think Fred Perry would Mind. So...I glanced Again and She had Tha Most Beautiful Pair of Lips I have Ever Seen. Nowdays, these Kids would Say She Has good DSR's or DLS's or something Like That, All I knew Was She was A Stunner With a Body of a Stallion, and I had to rope Her In.
So Being Me, I....
"Hey, Big Spender (Gum Smacking!) How would you like for Me to show you the Time of Your life?!"
Ahhh...Excuse Me?
"You Wanna Have a Good Time Tonight? (Smack, Smack!) I likes that Watch. Is that a Hublot?"
Why Yes, it is.
"I just Love Me Who Were One. It Shows Power...Control...Success. Can I See It?"
Would you hurry up, Beautiful. I got Somewhere I need to be. Why is a Gal like You working These Streets Anyway. Isn't Sesame Street about to Come on HBO in a Few Minutes?!!
"Ha ha! (Smack, Smack!) Very Funny! Trust Me, I'm a Grown Woman. Can't You tell?! So Where Are You Staying Tonight? Let Me Tell a You How us Vegas Gals get Down, Ok...Robert De Niro!"
Huh. I look De Niro. That's New. Interesting. Go On Sweetcakes.
"Tonight is Your Lucky Night, Boo. I'm Running a Special."
A Special???
"Sí...For $50, I spot You a Hug. For $75 You get a Hug and a Kiss. (Muah!) For $100, I'll let You Touch Any 2 Parts of My Body. For $150..."
What is This a McPick Menu From Mickey D's?!! Listen, Angel Eyes, I have Somewhere 2 Be. If This was Any Other Night, and Perhaps if U gave me tha 2-for-1 Option under $75, I might even Think about it. You're Wal-Mart Pretty, But U Shouldn't be Charging These Whole Foods Prices, Sweetie. So give Me My Arm, and I Wish You God's Speed. Geez...I haven't been in Town for 5 minutes And Women are approaching Me Already. What's new. Wait, I need to go to Tha Hotel. Hold On.
(Beep!) Siri, I Need a Pickup To The Venetian.
'Getting Pickup To Tha Villiago.'
(Beep!) NO!! I SAID THE VENETIAN!
'Ok. The Venetian. A Lyft Driver Will Be There in 5 Minutes, Lil Cosmo.'
Freakin' Technology. Getting into a Car With a Total Stranger behind Tha Wheel. Oh, I Luv Tha 21st Century. But Real quick, To Make a Long Story Short, I Found Out She was A Showgirl. Every guy wanted Her. And She Had a List of Names...Tha Bruce Willis'. Tha Stallones. I Think even Michael Jackson wanted Her. U haven't Made it Until Tha King of Pop hits on You! And That's When Michael was Michael. Walking Around With Monkeys on His Back...Eating Salads With Glitter Gloves. Outta All these Guys, She Fell For Me.
It lasted Awhile. But She was So Sheltered. Even though She was a Vegas Headliner, I Suppose. Inside, She was just A Little Gurl Who enjoyed Campfires, Nature and Tha Glow of tha Moon. I Kinda Miss Her. But...Timing is Everything. I was Still in Playboy Mansion days, Talked To Hef Tha Other Day, and He Still can't Believe He's Putting Tha Place up For Sale...But When Ur Surrounded By So Much...As Both of Us were. It's hard to Settle Down. AIDS was like Whatever...So I was Doing My Think. Everybody was. I was Rich, Handsome and Influential. My "RHI" was at a Justin Timberlake '07 level. I got it in, Believe You Me.
It's Getting Hot. It's like 9 O'Clock at night. What In Tha Heck is Going On. (Beep, Beep!) Just got a Text. "Are U Here?" Yes. Send. So Tha Other Day...(Beep, Beep!) "See U Soon!" Smiley Face Wink. Huh. Whatever. So Tha Other Day, Austino Galaxia decided to Come Outta His Heartbreak Rock and Actually Write Something. U know, He's Tha Reason I'm in Vegas. But I still Can't Figure Him out. All This Poetic Mumbo Jumbo on Luv...and this "Life is Too Hard" crap. Would You Give Me a Kit Kat Please!!! Hard is Vietnam. Hard is Being Poor in Costa Rica. Hard is Sean Penn Running From Tha Cartel. That's Hard! Living in South Beach...Ahhh...No.
Then if He Tells One More Story about Not Getting Tha Gurl. He needs To Shut Tha U Know What Up, and Start Nailing These Broads. These Gurls, especially Miami Gurls don't Want No Lovey Dovey Guy. They want a Dude that's Gonna Take Them on a Boat late at Night, Sonny Crockett Style, and Give Them Good Pipe Until Tha Sun Comes Up. I'm telling you. Why do u think These Broads are Doing Twoadays in Tha Gym? I know Some Honeys Who Do Yoga in tha Morning...Barre workouts in Tha Afternoon and Weights at Night. They For Dang Sure ain't Trying out for Tha New York City Rockettes! It's All for Tha Sex. So All These Texts to make a Gurl's Day...All These Instagram Pics of Smiley Faces in Foggy Sideview Mirrors...All This 'Woe is Me, I can't Find Tha Right Gurl' crap needs To Stop. Can't stand These Metrosexual Men I see. All Sensitive...Flowers...Chocolates...Teddy Bears...Up Til 2 in Tha Morning Making Chris Brown and Trey Songz Mixtapes...Then Two Weeks Later Tha Babe Leaves. And u wasted All this Time and Money. When u Could've just Hit it, and Left it at That. For A Guy Who has Known a lot of Hot Chicks, This Galaxia Fellow is Quite Dumb when it Comes 2 What Women Really Want. Think I'm gonna Call Mel Gibson, so both of us Can Give This 'Amateur' some Tips.
Ok. That looks like my Ride. Kinda Tiny but...
(Door Opens)
What's up My Friend! Tha Venetian.
(Door Shuts!)
Oh, Tha Vegas Lights. Feels Like I'm Home. I'm here On Business, involving This Galaxia Guy. But I'm about to Have a Lot of Fun. I Luv This Town! I Really Do. But This Trip has Tha Excitement Like When Tyson Would Fight on Those Saturday Nights. U just Knew Something Special was in Tha Air. Maybe it's My Subject that Brought me to This Place that Has Me Flying High. All I know is That Once I Unpack my MCM bags, I'm Gonna Tear This Town Up. And I'm Gonna Do it, just How I Luv My Women...
From Head to Toe!
Tha Name Is Cosmopolitan. But on Tonight u can Call me...Lil Vegas!
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