(Huge Blow)
So Today was Tha First Time I've Actually Seriously Thought About Retiring From This Thang Call Love.
Meaning...Being Done With Gurls For A Looooooooooong Time...Do it Quietly Without Any Pub.
My Heart Felt Like It Wasn't Or Isn't In it Anymore...It ain't Fun Coming Out Empty after Walking Out of Cupid's Club.
There's Such a Huge Sense That Nobody's Real...Tha Good Gals at This Stage Are Taken...And Females Look at Me As A Toy...Like A Rubby Dub Dub.
In This Diary I Share Feelings, Most of Which I Shouldn't Say...I mean...Nobody Else I know is Being Open, They Keep Their Emotions Within.
I Talk Candidly About Tha Process of Not Giving Up...Always Being Urself...And Tha Journey of Tha Constant Sacrifices All in Tha Name of...Win.
But Today...It All Hit Me U Know...This Just Ain't Worth it Anymore...OMG Do I Really Gotta See This Gurl's Face...It was a if This Burning Fire Was Going Dim Within Our Soul's Den.
Then I'm Constantly Reminded That I Do Sooooooo Much, Only 2 Get Sooooo Little...Trying 2 Tap into Our Jar of Patience, But I Think I've Licked Tha Last Teaspoon My Friend.
Driving Home...Stuck in Miami Traffic...Can Have U Think About Everything From 2nd Grade to Last Night.
What in Tha Name of HadesHave I Done 2 Warrant This Lifestyle? When it Seems Like Every Day and Night Is a Somewhat Fight.
I Feel like I'm Tha Only One is Trying to Do Stuff 'Tha Right Way' When Others, I feel...Can Do Whatever They Please and Skip Tha Pain Associated With 'Dreaming a Life So Tight'.
I May Just Move...To Toronto...LA Perhaps...I've Felt Like, IDK, on Today Like This "Luv and Fun" Thang Doesn't Even Matter Anymore...I'm Strong But a When is Enough Enough...And U Go and Fly a Kite.
I gotta Take a Moment before I go on....
There's a Voice That is Telling me Not 2 Give Up...Don't Understand Anymore...But Hopefully I Can Go On.
Tired Of People Wasting My Time, My 'Fun Energy'...My Texts...But I Have 2 Find a Way Like a Chessboard and Its Favorite Pawn.
Time Seems Like it's Not on My Side...But Tonight Perhaps I Can Hold Off Tha Madness While Also Erasing This Darkness and Turn it Into Dawn.
This Ain't a Game Anymore...I'm Tired of Losing...I'm Fed up With Tha 'Lessons Learned' Speeches....I'm At My Last Inch of This Rope and Then I might Be...Poof!...Gone.
One of Tha Toughest Things in Life is 2 Forget Tha Past...Especially When Somebody Brings up a Name, U Gotta See Their Face...Or Ur Like Me, In Never Having Tha Opprotunity 2 Get Closure.
I Always Say That I've Neen Forced 2 Move on, Without Tha Pleasure of Moving On...So I've NEVER Known Why Gals Love Me and Then It Goes Silent like An Anonymous Solider.
Do Gurls Get Scared? Think So....Is it just Fun and Games? Maybe...Do They Think They Are Not Good Enough For Me and Our Lifestyle? With No Explanations I'm Forced 2 Keep Our Composure.
Cuz Ur Trying to Figure out What's Wrong...Others Constantly Cheat on Their Mates, Treat Them Like Flat Out Crap, Yet 'I Luv Them' Permeates Tha Air Even Though Friends and Family are like..'Next Time Don't Come 2 Me Cuz, 'I Told Ya'.
Perhaps I Should Switch Up EVERYTHING...No Return Texts...Never Aplolgize For Anything...Always Be Fake and Try 2 Have Sex With Every Single Girl With No Regards 2 Their Feelings at All.
That's Not Me! If U've Read This Diary or Even Met Me, U know That I'm Tha Silliest, Most Simple, Yet Egotistical Guy You'll Ever Meet...Whether On Tha Street or Outside Tha Toilet Stall.
I might Be Too Unique....Want 2 Cherish a Female, But Also Fulfill All Her Fantsies...Willing 2 Do Whatever 2 Make Somebody Smile, But Also Thug Enough 2 Toss Them Thangs if U Disrespect Somebody I know At Tha Mall.
Almost Like A Gurl Being Too Beautiful (No Such Thang)...Maybe Gurls Feel like They Always Have To be At Their Best With Us...But Shouldn't U Want That For Urself Anyway? That's Not Our Call.
My Moms Always Tells Me, 'You're Not Made For Everybody.' Tons of Women and Gurls have said Kind Words like 'You're Different' or How 'Some Girl is Gonna Be Lucky To Get You.'
A Lot.
Women of All Types of Shapes and Ethnicities Tell us Top Clasified Secrets In Rebards To Tha Female Race...As if I'm Tha Last Gentleman Standing...Begging That I Don't Settle and Just Up and Get Married Out of Tha Blue.
Even Though I Feel Alone at Times, There Are So Many People All over Tha Globe in My Corner...Really is...This is Something a Future Gal or Gurlfriend Is Gonna Have 2 Get Used To.
There is No Greater Phrase is Our Human Vernacular than..."That's Austin's Gurl"...Cuz in That, Those Words Mean Your Special, Beautiful Inside and Out...Tha One Who was Tha Pot of Gold After Tha Long Rainbow of Girls, Weeks, Years...Always New.
So Even Though I Like Sexy Looking Gals Who know How 2 Dress, Take Care of Themselves, Enjoy Dancing and Laughing, I Do Derserve Someone Who Is Special and Tha Cream of Tha Crop.
Outside Beauty, in Our Eyes is Ever Present, But That Inward Beauty to Match...One Who isn't Afraid 2 Speak Her Mind and Telling Me Like it Is...That's as Rare as A Black Gumdrop.
Someone Who is Patient, Understands That She's a Woman but Allows a Man To Be a Man...Keeps What Happens Between Us Two, Between Us Two...Not Gossip on Tha Phone After a Night Her Cherry Gets Popped.
It's Awesome 2 Have Friends but Friends Can Ruin a Good Thang...They Can Be Jealous of Tha Opprotunity Or Luv You Have...And Sometimes if They Aren't Happy, They Don't Want U 2 Be Either...I need 2 Stop.
Starting 2 Feel This Thang, My Swagger is Coming Alive...
Cuz When I Think of Tha Luv I Deserve And Will Get, My Heart Goes Pitty Pat.
How Such a Luv Can Be Defined With a Smiley Face Text or A Head Laid in Tha Lap.
Such a Luv in Which Us Two Can Speak Honestly Face 2 Face, Or Through Tha Door When One is Taking a Crap.
This Luv Where Tha Drive Home Brings a Smile...Knowing U Got a Friend When Ur Tire Goes...Flat.
Tha Luv I Dream Off When I Close My Eyes and Visualize it All...Face 2 Tha Sky...Lying on My Back.
I Can See Tha Holding of Hands and Tha Silly Jokes as We Get Our Transpo off Tha Bike Rack.
Us Going 2 See Tha Lakers or Tha Heat, Sharing A "Kiss Cam" Moment 2 Be in Our Memory Stamp.
Going Shopping and Playing 'Dress Up'...Always Responding...'Yes, Dear, U Do Look Phat!'
Not Caring About Who's Watching, Never Jealous Cuz I know Attention Is Guaranteed With Those Who Are Stacked.
Meeting Her Family, And Going Through Tha Questions To See if I'm Real or Just a Passing Box of Cracker Jack.
Telling Her Family That I'll Always Luv Her Cuz I'm A Wolf...Our High School Mascot Taught Us Tha Strength In Tha...Pack.
Sharing a Story After Story About My Experiences With Luv...Always Being Straight Up...Describing When I Wanted 2 Give up After a Gal So Whack.
But Also Stating How Beautiful Ms. Galaxia Is...Not Knowing What is Crazy...Her Flawless Glow or That She Somehow Slipped Through Tha Cracks.
Telling How Whenever She's Down, I'll be There...2 Rub Her Feet, Rub Her Shoulders or Even Going Out 2 Feed Tha Cats.
Looking At Her While She Sleeps, Hoping One Day She'll Willing Sign Tha "I Do" Contract.
Knowing That I'm Gonna Do Whatever 2 Make Her Smile, Never Giving Empty Promises, But An Whole Hearted Effort, I Won't...Lack.
Her Sharing How She Can't Believe I Was Single as Well...Tha Tingle in Her Eyes When She Says..."I'll Never Get Over...That."
Me Replying I never Met a Gurl Like U Either...One So Versatile Whether in A Evening Gown or Blue Jeans With A...Cap.
Admiring Her Freaking Side As Well...How Lingerie Just Hugs Her Body Perfectly...It Goes Together Like a Newborn and A...Nap.
How I Wanna Explore Every Crevice and Seam of Her Beauty...Letting Her Breaths...and Moans Be Tha Guide to Her...Map.
Never Getting Tired, Throughout Tha Whole Experience...Making Sure I'm In Tip top Shape So !y Energy, She'll Never...Sap.
Never Stopping Before Tha Minimum of 3 Hours, and Even Then Tha Only Sign of Stoppage is a Luv...Tap.
This Type of Luv Which Makes Me Wanna Be Always at My Best...Doing Workouts So Tough, That I Can Run a 100...Laps.
Tha Type of Luv Where We Greet Each other With Either a Hug...A Long Kiss...Or a Teenage Sign of Luv...A Simple Dap.
This Type Of Luv That Just Tha Dreaming Of It Can Turn Today into Tha Best Day Ever...Even Though it Started So...Whack.
This Type of Luv...That When She Walks In Tha Room...I Automatically Stand, a Smile and Begin a Never Ending...Hand Clap.
Tha Luv I'm Writing About 2 Day Will a Always Go Higher and Higher on Luv's Charts...With No Plateau, No Line Going...Flat.
Tha Dream of This Type of Luv Is When She's Having a Bad Day, I Call...We're on Tha Same Wavelength...So Both of Us Have This...Knack.
This Type of Luv...That Brings Laughter...Whether In Pure Silence...or Watching Dane Cook or Bernie...Mac.
Tha Luv I'm Gonna Have...Is Providing Ur Every Need, With Nothing Being in Slack.
Tha Luv Tha Understands When U need A Day 2 Chill...Me Time With a Great Book, and a Sip From a Strawberry...Daiq.
Tha Type of Luv I knew Would Come...When I Kept A Diary So Personal...Risking Judgments and Unseen Flack.
Tha Luv From That Gurl Who Saw Courage in Being So Honest...And For it She Gives My Back...A Pat.
Tha Luv That Destiny Told Me Would Come, Even Though Others Got Theirs Before Me...A Trial in How I Would...React.
A Luv Where U knew You Were One of Tha Best, But Wanted Mate To Be Tha Proof That Luv Comes on This Log of Patience Where I Seemingly Always...Sat.
This Luv Where Tha End Looked So Bleak...Wondering If Luv's Superhero Would Come and Save Tha Day...With His Fearless Heart or Perhaps Even a...Gat.
This Luv That Kept Cupid's Adopted Son Going...When He Wanted 2 Give Up, Give In...With A Heart Being On His Soul's Tombstone Followed By..."This He Never...Got.'
Yes...It's This Type of Luv...That Keeps Me Going...Keeps Me Dreamin'...One I know I'm About 2 Get...
And That's A Gift...
While Tonight Was Considered..
Tha Wrap.
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