Oh...Sometimes I Can't Stand This Time of Tha Year.
Just Look At That Stack Piled Up Next 2 Those Balloons Over There.
This 2016 Has Been Crazy...Record Number of Texts, Card Requests and Letters with Kisses That Smear.
"I Luv You Boo-Boo!"..."Happy Valentine's Day Little Pumpkin!"...Sometimes I Really Don't Even Give a Care.
I Feel Like Taking A Puff From a Cigarette ( Flick!)...Me U Ask...Everybody Knows Who I Am.
I'm Everybody's Best Friend on Feb. 14th...Tha Rest of Tha Year I Barely Get a Dancing Telegram.
Just For Once I'll Luv a Playmate, an SI Swimsuit Model...Heck, I'll Take Little Debbie With Her Big Cakes and Big Cooking Pan!
Being Me Is Such a Job, That My Own Luv Life is In Shambles...Single While Trying To Bring Everybody Else Such Glitz and Glam.
Cupid is My Name. And Ur Probably Wondering What Am I Doing Writing In This Diary of Austino Galaxia? Tha Self-Proclaimed Next Megastar!
To be Honest, I Got No Idea...He Asked Me 2 Jot Tonight in His Place...Next Thing He'll Ask me For My Ride...It's Bright Red, quite Simliar To DeadMau5's Lambo Car.
I Got Hearts All over Mine...With a Personal Plate Called "LuvMachine"...Trust Me I get A Lot of Attention When I Pull Up To Tha Miami's Clubs and Bars.
Gurls Look At Me Like a 'Luv god'...It's Scary...Women Screaming, Taking Off Their Shirts For My Services...I Luv Dolls With Heart Tattoos, But Not When Tha Tat Makes an Unwanted Scar.
(BEEP! Ahhh..Cupid, You Got a Call On Line One...Cupid, Call On Line One!)
I Get Tired Of That PA System...It's Been Tha Same Since Tha Love Connection Was On TV...Now a That Was Reality TV.
I would just Sit Back and Watch How Perfectly I Matched Up Couples...But Get Angry When Tha Winning Team Didn't Mention...Me.
It Was Me Who Was Whispering Sweet Nuthings in Tha Ear While on a Date With Destiny...She Was a Stuck Up Tramp Who Is So Caught Up in Her Looks and Plastic Sur-Ge-Ree.
Let's See She's Had Her Eyelids Done, Her Lips Done Too...Since She and Mother Nature are Like BFF's Now...They Both Had Their Chest and 'American Pie' Done...They Show Them Both a Off With Such Glee.
I Hang Out With Some Freaky Gals...Those Are Tha Ones Who Know Tha Sexy of Tha Sexy...My Clients want Tha Best So I Must Get Down and Dirty.
People know I hang out in Tha Obvious Places...In Tha Back of Classrooms, Waiting outside Tha Job...Sometimes Sliding in Line of a Women's Bathroom, When U Gotta Go Pee, Gurls Seem So Flirty!
But I Hang Out In Tha Most Unlikeliest of Places...When T-Pain Said, 'I'm in Luv With a Stripper'...Who Do U Think it was Right Near Tha Stage Flashing a Smile So Pearly.
Yep! U Got it...That was Wild Night Too...Lil Wayne was "Making It Rain on Them Oh's' or Whatever He Called Them...While Juicy J was Throwing 'Bands To Make Her Dance!'...I kept Thinking Tha Chances We All end Up in Jail That Night...Surely.
Sometimes...Tha Big Ballers Are Afr...
(BEEP! Cupid...U Need 2 Pick Up on Line One...CUPID LINE ONE!!)
You know Everytime I Accidentally Hooked Up My Secretary With Her 2nd Cousin, She Has Been Getting on My Everlasting Nerve.
I Had An Off Day...She wanted a Wholesome Fellow From a Small Town in Iowa...One That Luv Tha Hawkeyes, Knew How 2 Shuck Corn, and Was Timely in picking Up Tha Paper From Tha Curb.
I Hooked Homegurl Up...They Got Married and Dropped Tha Luv Bomb on Her After She Gave Him a Son...He's an Outta Control Sonofagun...I Consider Making Out With Miss Piggy Stuffed Animals, Mot Cute, But Kinda Disturbed.
But Those Midwestern Folk are Tha Same Who Claim They Discovered Ashton Kutcher as a Model...After Tha First Episode of MTV Punk'd They Put Up a City Sign That Read...'AK...He's Not 47, But This Is Where He First Got Shot and Served!'
But as I was Saying, Tha Ballers or Wealthy of Tha Rich are Afraid To Contact Me...Thinking My Services Are Only For Tha Common Man.
These Guys Go To These Million Dollar Matchmaking Scams...When all In All, Tha Gals are Just 'Rejects' outta My Profiles...Who Now Think They are Hot Tarts After Following My Advice of Getting a Tan.
Guys Spend Thousands For 2 Hours, Where My Results are Come With a Lifetime Gurantee....Yeah...Ill Guarantee That Your Lifetime Will End if U Gimmie Tha Loot, Especially After U Get a Piece of Can.
My Bodyguard Smooches Is Armed and Ready to Do Damaged To Anybody Who Crosses Me...One Punch in Tha Throat From Him and U'll Be Sounding Like that Gurl from Tha Nanny...Think Her Name was Fran.
I'm Doing A Lotta Things at One Time, but Let Me Just Show You Around, So You Can See that My Team of Luv Experts Are Tha Best at What They Do.
Over Hear is Our Card Making Department...They are So Upbeat...Like 24/7...Always Playing Luv Songs By Luther Vandross, Jon Secada and Michael Bolton...Yes, Michael Freaking Bolten...When I hear Him My Cheeks Turn Purple and Blue.
But if It makes My Team Happy...It Makes My Pockets...I mean Myself Happy As Well...But My Ears Are Always Looking For Tha Next Big Singer Who Makes Luv Seem So New.
Half of My Team is From Tha UK, so I've Must've Heard Adele's "Hello" a Gazillion Times...I kept Arguing That Our Business is Bringing Hearts 2gether, not Breaking Them Up...I Threatened Them with an "Adele Ban" but that Ended Quickly After They Claimed Under Work Law They Can Sue.
Check Out This Card:
I Know I Don't Admit My Luv Often, So I'll Do it This One Time.
You Are Tha Diamond That Glitters in My Heart, Tha One That Always Shines.
Amazement Still Captures My Heart, That U Would Choose Me, My Friends Say U Are Blind.
But Happy Valentines Day Babe...Ur Truly One of a Kind.
Obviously This Is Made For That Goofball, Who Never Washes Dishes, Doesn't Have Sex With His Wife and is Always Ignoring Tha Ladies Feelings Because Of Tha Mini-Marathon of Breaking Bad.
These Type of Dudes...When They Bring Their Lazy Butts to Me Asking For a Instagram Supermodel...I Looked Them Up and Down like 'Dude, For My Help U need More Than a Pen And A Pad.'
I Read Past History, I Do my Homework Before My Artwork Hits Luv's Canvas...These Dudes Want a Life Luv like Homer and Marge Simpson, But are Alien to Tha Game...Like That freak from American Dad!
For Guys Like That, I Send them our 2 For $1 Blank Card Deal, A Few Paper Hearts From Tha Kindergarten Class from Loveland Grade School, And A Message of Don't Call Me Anymore...Tell Me That Deal Ain't Rad?!!
So let's Move On...Over Here We Have Tha Area Where All Our Balloons are Stores and Where They Get Tha Air of Puff.
Other Rival Companies Have Air Machines, but We Have Two Ladies Who like 2 Blow Things...Ooops! I Forgot Galaxia Told Me 2 Keep This Clean...Ok...My Assistants Like 2 Use Their Mouth For This Kind of Stuff.
Still Haven't Figured Out How How They Blow All These Balloons...It's like A Thousand Each Per Day...I Guess When U Are Good At Something Enough is Never Enough.
I Actually Found a These Gurls Inside a Bathroom a Stall at a Truck Stop Up Near Tallahassee...Inside Tha Stall Were Their Names and Numbers Which Also Doubled For The Number of Satisfied Customers...True Story! I never Bluff!
But Our Balloons Have Tha Traditional Heart Shape Balloons In Scarlet Red, and Pink...We Even Have a Rainbow One...After Obama Passed That Law Tha Following V-Day Our Business Went Jack Times Two.
Tha Balloon Thing Is Cool, But Let me Show U Tha a Good Stuff...Tha Two Departments That Are Our Best Sellers...As If U Don't Have No Clue.
Hold Up For a Minute...Mrs. Claus...Mrs. Claus...I understand That You Are Just Here Helping Because of Tha Large Number Of Orders, But That Doesn't Mean U Can Fall Asleep, I know Tha North Pole Flight is One U've Never Flew.
But U Need 2 Continue 2 Work on Those Cookies...Huh?...Hey, I'm just Trying 2 Get U Hours...Rudolph was Willing 2 Turn Off His Red Nose For This...Now What Are U Willing To Do?!!
I Tell Ya...You Try 2 Help an Old Friend...And This is What I Get in Return. If She Keeps This Up I might Have 2 Tell Her That Little Secret Involving Her Hubby Santa and That Sexy Mommy!
Since We're Over Here...This is Our Flowers and Candy Department...As U Can See most Of Our Services are Tailored 2 Men...They Spend Tha Most Dough! Duh?!! I Ain't No Dummy.
This is Tha One Time Out Tha a Year Where Guys Try 2 Squeeze 364 days of Neglect Into One...And As Long As They Screw Up...We Will just Continue 2 Be Hand Over Fist With Tha Money!
I Have Mo Idea When these Dudes Will Understand Tha Luv is an Action Word...One That is Shown Most During Those Dark Times...Not Just After 'Knocking Tha Boots' when Everything Then Seems So Sunny.
But We Have Every Flower U Can Imagine, If We Don't have It We Just Make It Up...No need 2 Look At Me Strange, This Is No Lie.
Last Year, This...I Don't Know...This Goofy Dude Wanted a Flower That Smelled Like Rhianna...His Crush was a Big Fan and To Get a Gurl Like Her...He Would Almost Die.
Did U Know That I Actually Had 2 Have Her Hairdresser Secretly Send Me Some of Her Hair DNA,,to Make a Flower That Smelled Like This Chick...Tha Masterpiece almost Made Me Cry.
Homedude Said It Smelled like an 'Umbrella'...I was Like I know Pure Perfection...Later he Called Me and Said It Worked...Tell ya With Guys, Sometimes All U Can Do is...Sigh.
Then Back Here is Candy Heaven...Chocolate From All over Tha Globe...Heart Candies That Say...'Marry Me' or 'I Luv U'...Those Are My Favorite For Sure.
We Used 2 Have a Contract with M&M's, With These Special Red and Black Candies...But After This Woman from Long Island Sued Us, They Dropped Us...But Our Intentions Were Pure.
Just Look We Got Sweets All Over Tha Place...Up in Tha Cabinets...In Unopened Fed Ex Boxes...Even Got a Box of Goodies Of These...Those Popping Candies...Somebody Opened Them Once and All of Us Hit Tha Floor.
We Do it All Around Here...Like I Said, Folks Come to Me, Looking At Me as a Luv Doctor and I do my Best 2 Supply Tha Cure.
Tha Last Room Is Off Limits, But All I got 2 Say is That it Has Everything 2 Get Ur Freak on...From Whips, Masks and Sticks That On Tha End Holds a Head of a Pony.
We're working On this Secret Robot, That's Some 21st Century Luv Mate...She's Close 2 Being Finished...I got 2 Return Tha Call From Sony.
But This is Tha a Room U ago Too, When U Really Need 2 Spice Up Ur Relationship...When u Gotta Pull out All Tha Stops before She Asks For Alimony.
I luv My Job...Some Folks Are in Desperate Need...I Bring Them Hope...I do Things and Bring People Together Who are Authentic...Not Phony.
Let Me Show U This File...I Got a Big Stack...Excuse Tha Mess I was Doing Some Research...Lets See...Mariah and Nick...Kim and Kris...Russell and Kimora...Brit and Kevin...Here it Is...Right Here.
Now I Admit That My Luv Life Has Been Wild...Sleeping With Movie Stars in Hollywood...Then a With Hookers in Amsterdam...I mean I Thought Tha Red Light District Was A Home For Me...I Had No Idea.
But My Stories Are Nuthing Compared 2 What's in My Hand...Galaxia is Gonna Kill me, I know...But U See How Thick This Is...Here's All Tha Gurls I tried 2 Hook Him Up With...I Misread Him...That is Truly Fair.
He's on me More Than Ever 2 Step up 2 Tha Plate or Stop Being His Friend...I Already Have a Plan in Motion, I'm just Working out Tha When and Where.
Anybody Want a Cigar? It's Gonna be A Long...Long...Loooong a Night. People Have Asked Me For Tips on How 2 Fall For That Special Person Like No Other.
First...Don't Be Ashamed 2 Call and Ask for Help...We Have Satellite Offices All Over Tha World, Even in Outer Space...Lately Galaxia Has Told Me He Wants a Gurl from a Time Zipine That Mirrors Tha Folks From Down Under.
He's a Tough Guy To Please...But He's my Buddy...And After All He's Been Through its Time a That He Gets a Good Babe...One That is As Smart as Lightning and In Tha Bedroom Can Also Bring Tha Thunder.
Galaxia Has Been My Ultimate Project...My Number One Client....Gurls Aren't Tha Problem, it's Finding Tha Right Gurl...I Got Somebody in Mind...And Let Me a Tell Ya, She's Tha Closet To That Woman of Wonder.
(CUPID! For Tha Last Time...CALL ON LINE ONE!!)
Let Me Grab This Call...Yeah, I'm At Work on This Special Day of Mine, But It was Cool 2 Kind of a Share This With You...Super Rare.
Wake up Mrs. Claus...Geeez...But Let Me Just Say One Thing Before I Go...I Can't Go Back to my Craft With This on My Mind...So I Must Share.
A Lot Has Been Made About Me and This "Luv Thang", Sometimes I must Admit It Truly Seems Borderline a Unfair.
I'm in Tha Business of Making People Happy...So What if I know A Lotta Beautiful People...So What if I Got a Dream Job...I Wish They Look Past Tha Gucci Suits and Paul Mitchell Styled Hair.
Me and Galaxia, My Friend, Get Along Because Luv is a Passion...Both of Us Are Single Per Se, But We See Its Beauty So Please Don't Attempt 2 Compare.
I Want Everybody 2 Find That Special Someone...Tha One Who Makes Them Giggle...Who Turns Their Heart Warm...Tha One Who Magnetizes Them By An Accross Tha Room Stare.
Yes...Luv is Complex...Relationships Can Be Trying...But Be Like Galaxia as He Told Me That Tha Foundation With This Gurl I'm Gonna Hook him Up With is Fun...Fun...Fun...If That is Your Basis, Finding Ur True Luv Will Involve No Fear.
I Have a Lotta Clients To Get To Tonight...But I Want To Tell a Those Who Are Single and Married The Key 2 Luv's Success...
As I Told A Hunter Up in Canada, Tha Key is As Simple As This...
In Order For Honey 2 Drip a From Tha Tree of Luv...
One Must Understand That Honey Only Drips...
For Tha Bear That First Luvs Himself...
Tha Bear.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Luv 365...And 366.
Your Guest Star,
Cupid.
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