(Click!)
So I Walk into This Dressing Room, For Tonight is Tha Big Night.
Tha One I've Been Waiting For...Since Michael gave Me That 'Thriller' Fright.
It Feels Like A Lifetime Just 2 Get Here, Like Those Sunday Afternoon Girlie Movies Where U Sob on Sight.
Yep...It's Amazing This Journey That I've been on...Full of Laughs, Giggles, and I guess Many Babes Guys Would Consider Hugh Hefner Tight.
Tonight it's just Me, but My Personal Assistant Did Her Job, I can Tell As I Look Around.
Posters of Alvin and Tha Chipmunks, Buster and Babs Bunny, Even One of Bruce Wayne Getting Into Tha Batmobile on Gotham's Crime Filled Ground.
These are Some of My Heroes...Yeah, they Are Cartoons, but I'm just a Kid Anyway, u Can Tell By How I Write and Sound.
Some People Think Life Stinks...No Way! Not Me...Everyday is a New Adventure...Convertibles Rolling, Music Blasting...Fun...Oh Yeah, it's Delivery Daily By Tha Pound!
Oh Snap!!! They Hook Me up With My Favorite Snacks, I Tried Not Be Too Prima Donna...I Didn't Want 2 Come in Here like an MTV Rock Star.
Everything Looks Pretty Awesome, This Might Be Tha Best Set-Up I've Seen...By Far!
They Got My Oatmeal over Here, My Almonds and Cranberry Chocolate Crunch Trail Mix Over There, To Some This Sounds Like a Yawner but 2 Me it's like Being on Tha Price is Right and Winning a Car!
Funfetti Cake!!! Oh I just Know This is Gonna Be a Special Night...Finally Tha Night Where Tha Butterfly Arises From Tha Jar.
I'm a Tad Hungry, let's See what They Have In Tha Hot Food Section...Gotta Taste For Some Fries From Rally's...I Can't Eat Fried Food But That is What I Crave.
I'm on This Hollywood Stud Diet Now, Where I Want 2 Look Like a Sexy Model Slash Pro Athlete...So I Gotta Watch Everything, But it's Tough Today.
Look...Turkey Pasta, Baked Chicken With Brown Rice, Pancakes and Sugar Free Syrup...I hope I Can Perform because There's One Word Running in My Mind Now...'Stay!'
But I Gotta Go Out, People Paid Great Money 2 See a Show...They Are a Expecting Magic...Like Penn and Teller With Tha Swagger of Tha Jigga Man, Jay.
Whatever, it's almost Close 2 Showtime...I'm Starting 2 Get Nervous, Guess That's Good...At a Least it Was Whenever I Played Ball.
Tha Electricity is in Tha Air as it was Then...Nowadays I just Let Tha Energy Flow, No Reason 2 Fight it or Make it Stall.
Since I'm Practicing Zen like my name means Beijing, I just breathe...And...Breathe...No More Pumping out Busta Rhymes or DMX...I take Tha Mature Approach and Listen 2 Tha Keys of Alicia...And Diana Krall.
Where's My Herschel Backpack...There it Is...Pull out a Few Nick Knacks That U Can't Find at Tha Mall.
Let's See...Tom Ford Sent Me His Latest Fragrance That's So Mysterious...I Give it a Try...He Says it's a Mix of Miami Autumn and New York Transit...I Got No idea What That Means But...It's Tom.
Marc Jacobs Hooked Me up With Another Handcuff Bracelet...This one is Pink and Green...A Sent This 2 Me With a Note: 'Galaxia, Where This & Ur Gonna Be Tha Bomb!'
This Dressing Room Looks like A Fashion Week Cover Shoot...Snapbacks, Givenchy, UK Nike Exclusives...Everything I want is Here! Freaking Feel like Iman!
Even My UGG Boots...People Hate That I Luv Them So...I say All Tha Time...A Girl Who is Rocking a Pair With Jeans Shorts...She's Guaranteed 2 Take a Skinny Dip in My Luv Pond!
Let Me Sit Down...This is a Huge Mirror...Like Really Huge!! Almost as Long as Drake's Swimming Pool.
Should I put on Makeup or Not? Humm?...My Shave is a Little Bushy, Let Me Get Tha Clippers Out, and Perform a Chris Paul Trim Worthy of a Grandmother's Drool.
U just Never Know Who's Gonna Be Out in Tha Audience...It Could Be a Scout, a Movie Producer, Tha Glee Club from Carlton Banks' School.
(Zzzzzzzz! Zzzzzzzzzzzz!!! Click.) Ok. Now I Really Look Hot. Like I Look like Tha Urban Dictionary Definition of Cool.
I'm going out here Basic, Forget This! Pants and a Tee...U don't wanna Know How Much they Cost...About As Much as it Cost 2 Have Mariah Sing at Ur Wedding.
Oh I Look So Euro 2night...Funny Cuz Earlier Today This Eastern European Gal, Thin Model Build, Dirty Blond Hair...She kept Giving Me 'Tha Look'...Of Course it's Tempting Not 2 Stare Back at This Beauty.
But I Stayed Focus on Tha Task at Hand...I mean I can't Get Sidetracked, Forgetting My Big Chance...If I'm Gonna Go out, I'm Gonna Go Out Not Chasing a Cutie.
Besides, There's Somebody Else on My Heart, Somebody Else I Would Luv 2 Get 2 Know...Yeah That Will be Tha Ultimate Night...Tha Day Galaxia Meets...Miss V.
Slap in Some Facial Lotion...Wait...(Psst...Psst....Psst!) I'm Trying This New Mist Spray or Whatever...U Spray Then Strut Through Tha Midst...I'm Soooo Bond Street I know.
Alright, Let Me Grab Some Trail Mix...Look at Tha Scripture of Tha Day...Ok. I'm Ready Dude...Straight Up! This Is When I Gonna Show Tha World I'm Not No Ordinary Joe.
All These Folks Think I'm Just A Fake or a Romantic Trying 2 Get Laid...Naw...See...They Done Messed Up...Wait Why are They About 2 Introduced me To...'I'm in Love With Tha Co-co!'
This Ain't No Strip Club! Look...Homie Better Stick 2 Tha Script That I Gave Him...Or Else I'm Gonna Give Him Two Knuckle Sandwiches...Neatly Wrapped in a Tiffany's Blue Bow.
Here Come Homedude Now...
(Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Gurls...) So Far He's Doing Fine, just Keep it Up, Don't Try 2 Get Fancy, This isn't a Sportscenter Highlight!
(Every Once in a While We Have a Star Come Along That Shoots Through Tha Galaxy, Like a Comet...Like a Meteor...Like Benjamin Franklin Flying His First Kite!)
Genius Work I Tell You, I came Up With That While Getting My Oil Changed at Pep Boys! Go on...Go On...(Tha Dust From This Astroid is Like George Jetson Eyes When He First Saw His Wife!)
I Think I'm about 2 Cry...
(I now Present 2 You...Tha Man Who Was Tha First 2 Take a Selfie With Mr. Moon...Tha Only Man Who Made Tha Sun Hashtag A Tweet #GalaxiaOuttaSight...Tha Only Fellow 2 Make Mercury Kiss Neptune Good Night...)
That was Tough To Do!
(Austinoooo GalacktiKa? Galexxika?)
It's "Ga-la-See-ya"...I can Tell U Don't Know Any Spanish...Anyway, How Y'all Doing Tonight Up in Here?
(Boooooo! Boooooo!)
Oh, I See We Got a Tough Crowd 2night, but That's Ok, You Already Paid For Tha Show, I've been Hit By Apples and Oranges Before...So Inside Me There's No Fear!
(Thump!!)
I said Apples and Oranges, Not Coconuts! That Hurt Dude! Anyway...I Came Prepared...I Brought This Hear Football Helmet, Y'all just Gonna Have 2 Plunk This Raider Cuz I Don't Care!
So My Name Is Austino...This is My First Night of Stand-up...Give it Up For Me..(Clap!)...I was Expecting More Than One Person But That's Fine, I'm just Gonna Imagine All of You in Ur Underwear.
So I'm Sure All of You are Wondering How I got into This Business...(NOT REALLY!! HA HA HA!)...Funny, That Tha Same Thing Ur Wife Said Last Night When I asked if U were a Good Kisser!
(OHHHH! OHHH!) Listen I'm Ready 2night...I'm RET-TAY For All Y'all! I just Finished up Making a Murderer on Netflix Last Night So I'm So Paranoid I Can't Even Whistle.
Getting Back 2 This...I used 2 Write about Luv and Relationships and Fun...But that Got Boring So I decided To Pack up, live Off of $3 Subway Coupons and Give Laughs like a True Thug Thissle.
I mean Luv is Funny Anyway Right...Hey, U in Tha Corner, Ur Kinda Quiet. What's up?...Huh?!! Ur Girl Left You...Listen, All u Got 2 Do is Walk Around Campus With a Hat Drooping a Toe Mistle.
Works Everytime...Ur Women Have it So Good...(Yeah, That's Right Boo!) See What I'm Talking About...Boo...Always One in Tha Bunch Every Single Time.
But Women Get 2 Enter Tha Club For Free...They Get Free Drinks...What Gets Me is How a Woman Can Walk Past U Once and Know Everything about a Guy...Like U all Got Some kind of Sci-Fi.
Like...Homedude Walks Past U and Without Looking...'OMG! Those Shoes...OMG! Ashey Hands...Like L-O-S-E-R...Is He Like Wearing Abercrombie...HELLLO...This Totally isn't High School...Just Walk on By!'
And Us Guys Don't Even Know We Just Had an NFL Scouting Report Done on Us in 3 Seconds! Some of These Chicks Need 2 Work for Tha Cowboys...(Booooo! Boooo!)...What?!! What?!!...Hey, I Luv Romo But He needs 2 Let That Ball Fly!
Then U Ladies Always, Especially Nowadays...U All Run Things...I always Bug out When a Guy is Gonna Approach a Gurl and...('THEY DON'T DO THAT NO MO'!)...That's True...That's True.
But Guys Who aren't Scared...Real Men Used 2 approach a Gurl, and It Would Bug Me Out Cuz Women Have This Way of Showing They're Not Interested...Let Me Show You.
They Got That...'I know This Fool ain't Trying 2 Holla' Look...Then U Got That 'I Only Date Ballers Look', That When She's Glazing into Tha Sky, Then Slowly Sucks on Tha Olive in Her Martini and Asks if Ur Ferrari is Old or New?
It's Wild...Like a Woman Sometimes Does like a Guy, and Is Begging That he just Goes Ahead and Asks for Her Number So She can Go Home and Watch Blossom on DVD...And Tha Guy Misses Tha Sign While Talking about How Neat it was to be a Valley Kid Listening to 2 Live Crew.
Dating and Luv is a Crazy...But Women are in Control Dude? When u first meet, What are Tha First Questions Women Ask? 'What Do U Do?' 'Where Do U Live?' 'What Car U Drive?'
I Started 2 Say Some Bogus Stuff..."Ahhh, I'm Tha Guy Who Shovels Tha Snow So Tha Snowplower Can Get 2 Work!"..."I Live Right Above Tha White Castle on Tha South Side!" They Look at Me Like...'Oh My!'
But u Can't Trust Nobody Nowadays...I know Chicks That Can Hack Ur Hotmail...Ur Instagram...Ur IPhone...That was a Big Story a few Weeks Ago about Apple vs. Government and Privacy...Shoot, They Shoulda Called Me Via a Line Tie.
These Gurls Are Like Ninjas! Background Checks...Driving Record...U on a First Date Telling Her Ur Story and She's Mouthing it Simultaneously as Ur Speaking! Ur Like, 'I Went To Wall Street but Got Let Go Cuz'...And She's like...'I Got Caught With an Intern and My Open Fly.'
Real Quick...So a Red Head, a Priest and a Giraffe Walk into a Bar and...
(Let's Hear it For Austinoooo Galaticka! Doing Stand Up on Luv...What a Lonely Guy! Ok!)
Whew! At Least I didn't Get Hit With Another Coconut. I think that it Wasn't Too Bad...I wanted 2 Get into Some Really Deep Stuff on Luv...Using Words From Pryor or Andrew Dice Clay.
I Hope There's a Next Time...Don't think This is A 'For One Night Only' Gig...Although They Might Have 2 Up Tha Pay.
I'm Not A Cheap Kind of Fellow...I Can Handle One, But Thats about my Maximum Nights Of Comfort in a Super 8 Motel Stay.
Oh Well! I Did My Best Tonight...Now Time 2 Hit Tha Showers and Move On...To be Honest I Think it Went Quite Well, Considering I didn't Have a Draft.
This Was My First Time...Ha ha!...I Always Giggle When Those Words Leave My Mouth...But This Is Tough and Like Anything Else It Takes Time 2 Perfect Ur Craft.
In My Diary, I Speak upon How Tha Foundation of Any Relationship I Get into, Will Be Grounded in 'Fun'...That's What I Want With That Special Gurl, That's Truly Who I Am.
After Tha Foundation is Laid...Then We Move on To That Cousin of Fun...Tha Aspect I Used 2 Dream about Everyday...
That 'Life is Cool'...'Life is Awesome' Attitude...
And Tha Only Way To Obtain That...
Is To...
Laugh!
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